THE  GREAT 
AMERICAN 
PIE  COMPANY 


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UNIVERSITY  OF 

NORTH  CAROLINA 

AT  CHAPEL  HILL 


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LIBRARY 
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J 
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UNIVERSITY  OF  N.C.  AT  CHAPEL  HILL 


00022094216 


THE  GREAT 

AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 


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Ephraim  Deacon  was  a  deep  thinker  and 
philosopher  " 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN 
PIE  COMPANY 

BY 

ELLIS  PARKER  BUTLER 

Author  of  "Pigs  is  Pigs" 


Illustrated  by  Frederic  Dorr  Steele 


NEW  YORK 
McCLURE,   PHILLIPS  &  CO. 
MCMVII    • 


Copyright  1907  oy 
McCLURE,  PHILLIPS  &  CO. 

Second    Impression 


Copyright  1904  by  The  Century  Co. 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 

"Ephraim  Deacon  was  a  deep  thinker 

and  a  philosopher"         .         .        Frontispiece 

Facing 
page 

"'/   guess    mebby    we'd    better    take 
turns  bevri treasurer' suggested 
Phineas  " *  24 

"  *  Skip  ! '  he  exclaimed  ;  'Here  comes 

your  wife  I '" ,     34 


If  you  take  a  pie  and  cut  it  in  two, 
the  track  of  your  knife  will  repre- 
sent the  course  of  Mud  River 
through  the  town  of  Gloning,  and 
that  part  of  the  pie  to  the  left  of 
your  knife  will  be  the  East  Side, 
while  the  part  to  the  right  will  be 
the  West  Side.  Away  out  on  the 
edge  of  the  pie,  where  the  town 
fritters  away  into  the  fields  and 
shanties  on  the  East  Side,  dwells 
Mrs.  Deacon,  and  a  fatter,  better- 
natured  creature  never  trod  the 
crust  of  the  earth  or  made  the  crust 
of  a  pie.  Being  in  reduced  circum- 
[3] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

stances,  owing  to  the  inability  of 
Mr.  Deacon  to  appreciate  the  bene- 
ficial effects  of  work,  Mrs.  Deacon 
turned  her  famous  baking  ability 
to  account,  and  in  a  small  way  be- 
gan selling  her  excellent  home- 
made pies  to  those  who  liked  a  su- 
perior article.  In  time  Mrs.  Deacon 
established  a  considerable  trade 
among  the  people  of  Gloning,  and 
Mr.  Deacon  was  wrested  from  his 
customary  seat  on  the  back  steps 
to  make  daily  delivery  trips  with 
the  Deacon  home-made  pies. 

Ephraim   Deacon    was   a    deep 

thinker  and  philosopher.  He  was 

above  his  environment,  or  at  least 

he  felt  so,  and  while  waiting  for 

[4] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

opportunity  to  approach  and  give 
his  talents  full  vent  he  scorned 
labor.  So  he  sat  around  a  good  deal, 
and  jawed  a  good  deal,  and  smoked. 
But  if  you  will  return  to  your 
plate  of  Gloning  you  will  see  on 
the  pie,  far  over  on  the  West  Side, 
where  the  scallops  lap  over  the  edge 
of  the  plate,  a  little  spot  that  is 
burned  a  bit  too  brown.  This  is  the 
home  of  Mrs.  Phineas  Doolittle, 
as  base  and  servile  an  imitator  as 
ever  infringed  on  another  person's 
monopoly.  For,  seeing  and  hearing 
of  the  success  of  Mrs.  Deacon's  pies, 
Mrs.  Doolittle  put  a  few  extra  pieces 
of  hickory  in  her  stove,  got  out  her 
rolling-pin,  and  became  a  competi- 
[5] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

tor,  even  to  making  Mr.  Doolittle 
deliver  her  pies.  The  Deacon  pies 
had  sold  readily  at  ten  cents  ;  three 
for  a  quarter.  The  Doolittle  pie 
entered  the  field  at  eight  cents ; 
three  for  twenty  cents. 

Mrs.  Deacon  stood  this  as  long 
as  possible,  and  then  she  decided 
to  stand  it  no  longer  —  unless  she 
had  to. 

"  Eph,  you  good-for-nothin'  lazy 
animal,"  she  remarked  to  her  hus- 
band one  morning,  as  she  started 
him  on  his  rounds,  * '  if  you  was  a 
man,  I'd  send  you  over  to  talk  to 
that  Doolittle  woman ;  but  you 
ain't,  so  it  ain't  no  use  sendin'  you. 
But  if  you  meet  up  with  that  lazy, 
[6] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMP  \NY 

good- for- nothin'  husband  of  hers, 
you  give  him  a  piece  o'  my  mind, 
an'  let  him  know  what  I  think  o' 
them  what  comes  stealin'  away  my 
business,  an'  breakin'  down  prices, 
which  I  don't  wonder  at,  her  pies 
not  bein'  in  the  same  class  as  mine, 
as  everybody  knows.  If  you  was  any 
good,  you'd  mash  his  head  in  for 
him,  just  to  show  her  what  I  think 
of  them.  But  there !  Like  as  not,  if 
you  do  catch  up  with  him,  you  two 
will  sit  an'  gossip  like  two  old  gran- 
nies, which  is  all  you  are  good  for, 
either  of  you. 

Being    thus    admonished,    Eph 
Deacon  set  forth  to  deliver  his  pies. 

As  he  reached  the  bridge  over 
[7] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

Mud  River,  Phinny  Doolittle,  with 
a  basket  of  pies  on  each  arm,  started 
to  cross  the  bridge  from  the  oppo- 
site side,  and  the  two  men  —  if 
Mrs.  Deacon  will  allow  me — met 
in  the  middle  of  the  bridge,  and 
with  a  common  impulse  put  down 
their  baskets  and  wiped  their  brows. 

"  Howdy,  Phin  !  Blame  hot  day 
to-day,  hey?"  remarked  Eph. 

"Howdy!  Howdy,  Eph!''  re- 
plied Phineas;  "'tis  so  —  some 
smatterin'  o'  warmth  in  the  air, 
ain't  it?" 

"Dunno  as  I  know  if  I  ever 
knew  one  much  hotter, "  said  Eph. 
"How's  the  pie  business  over  your 
wayf 

18] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

"Well,  now,"  said  Phin,  "'t 
ain't  what  you'd  call  good,  n  r  't 
ain't  what  you'd  call  bad.  I  dunno 
what  I  would  call  it,  unless  I'd  call 
it  'bout  fair  to  middlin'.  How's  it 
over  your  way?" 

"Well,"  Eph  said,  "I  dunno.  I 
ain't  got  no  real  cause  to  complain, 
I  reckon;  but  it  does  seem  as  if 
prices  on  pies  was  gittin'  too  low 
to  make  it  worth  while  fer  a  man 
to  keep  his  woman  over  a  hot  stove 
a  day  like  this.  It  don't  seem  right 
fer  folks  to  break  into  business  an' 
cut  the  liver  out  of  prices." 

"Oh,  now,  Eph  I"  Phin  expos- 
tulated,  "you  ain't  got   no  just 
cause  fer  to  say  that.  A  man's  got 
[9] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

to  do   something  to  git   started, 
ain't  he?" 

"If  we're  goin'  to  tight  this 
out,"  said  Eph,  calmly,  "I  move 
we  adjourn  over  yon  into  the 
shade  an'  set  down  to  it.  This 
ain't  no  question  fer  to  settle 
in  no  two  shakes  of  a  ram's  tail, 
Phineas,  an'  we  mought  as  well 
settle  it  right  now  an'  git  shet 
of  it." 

"I  dassay  you're  right  in  that, 
Eph,"  Phineas  agreed;  "an'  we'll 
jest  kite  over  yonder  an'  set 
down  an'  figure  the  whole  blame 
business  out,  so  's  we  won't 
have    to    bother     about     it     no 


more. " 


[10] 


CHAPTER   TWO 

When  the  two  men  were  com- 
fortably settled  in  the  shade  and 
had  lighted  their  pipes,  Eph,  as  the 
senior  in  the  trade  and  the  party 
with  a  complaint,  opened  his 
mouth  to  speak;  but  before  the 
words  came  forth,  Phineas  out- 
flanked him  and  let  fly  a  thunder- 
bolt. 

"Eph,"  he  said,  "you  got  to 
lower  down  your  pie  prices  to  even 
up  with  what  mine  are." 

Eph  looked  at  his  companion  in 
astonishment. 

'Lower  down  my  prices  !,!*  he 
[ill 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

ejaculated.  "You  be  crazy,  Phin; 
plum  crazy !  Don't  I  give  a  bigger  pie 
an'  a  better  pie  than  what  you  do  ? ' : 

"Well,  then,"  remarked  Phin- 
eas,  with  a  sly  twinkle  in  his  eye, 
"how  do  you  reckon  I  can  h'ist 
my  prices  up  any?  Mebby  you 
think  I  can  git  ten  cents  fer  a 
small,  mean  pie  whiles  you  ask  ten 
cents  fer  a  big,  good  one  ?  My  idee 
is  that  if  we  want  to  run  along 
nice  an'  smooth,  an'  not  have  no 
trouble,  what  we  want  to  do  is  to 
git  together  an'  go  in  cahoots,  an' 
then  it  don't  make  no  difference 
what  we  sell  at." 

"I'm  ag'in'  trusts,"  said  Eph, 
coldly. 

|12] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

"So'ml, "  said  Phineas.  "Who 
said  anything  about  trusts  ?  All  we 
want  is  to  even  things  up  a  bit. 
Fust  thing  you  know,  you'll  git 
mad  an'  cut  your  prices  down  to 
eight  cents,  an'  I'll  have  to  drop  to 
six;  an'  you'll  come  to  six,  an'  I'll 
go  to  four;  an*  you'll  go  to  four, 
an'  I'll  sell  pies  at  two;  an'  you'll 
put  your  pies  down  to  two  cents, 
an'  blame  my  hide  if  I  don't  give 
pies  away.  Dog  me  if  I  don't  ! " 

Eph  looked  worried. 

"  Oh,  come  now,  Phin,"  he  said 
anxiously,  "you  won't  up  an'  do 
that,  will  you  ? ' ' 

"Dog  me  if  I  don't ! "  Phin  re- 
peated stubbornly. 
[13] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

Eph  arose  and  shook  his  fist  at 
Phineas. 

"You  old  qit!"  he  yelled.  "Ill 
teach  ye  ! "  And  bending  over,  he 
seized  a  large,  soft  pie  and  slapped 
it  down  over  the  head  of  the  seated 
Phineas.  In  a  moment  the  two 
men  were  standing  face  to  face, 
fists  clenched,  and  breath  coming 
short  and  fast,  each  waiting  for  the 
other  to  strike  the  first  blow. 

But  neither  struck.  Eph's  eyes 
fell  to  Phineas' s  shoulder,  where  a 
large  fragment  of  pie  had  lodged. 
Phineas  moved  slightly  and  the  pie 
fragment  wavered,  tottered,  and — 
Eph  reached  out  his  hand  quickly 
to  catch  it,  and  Phineas  dodged 
[14] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

and,  closing  in,  grasped  him  around 
the  waist  and  pulled  down.  Eph 
sank  upon  his  knees  and  Phineas 
followed  him,  and  the  two  men, 
nose  to  nose,  eye  to  eye,  looked  at 
each  other  and  grinned. 

"If  we're  goin'  to  fight  this 
thing  out,"  said  Eph,  "let's  go 
over  in  the  shade  an'  set  down. 
It's  too  blame  hot  fer  wrastlin'. " 


[15] 


CHAPTER    THREE 

1  '  I  reckon  you  see  now  how  your 
plan  would  work  out,"  said  Phin- 
eas;  "  we'd  give  away  nigh  on  to  a 
thousand  pies,  an'  all  because  we 
didn't  use  hoss  sense.  I'm  ag'in' 
trusts,  same  as  you.  I'd  vote  any 
day  to  down  any  o'  them  big 
fellers,  but  a  little  private  agree- 
ment between  gentlemen  don't 
hurt  nobody.  What  I  say  is,  git  to- 
gether an'  fix  on  a  fair  price  an' 
stick  to  it," 

"Jest  what  I  say,"   said  Eph. 
'  You  lift  your  price  up  to  ten 
cents — " 

[16] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

Never  in  this  green  world, 
said  Phineas.   : '  Contrariwise,  you 
drop  your  grade  of  pie  down  equal 
to  mine,  an'  put  your  price  down 
to  eight  cents. 

Not  so  long  as  I  live  ! '    said 
Eph. 

'  Well,  then, ' '  said  Phineas,  ' '  it 
stands  this  way.  If  we  leave  our 
prices  as  they  be,  it  means  fight 
an'  loss  to  us  both,  an'  we  won't 
change  em,  so  what's  to  be  done  ? ' 

Eph  looked  out  over  the  river 
gloomily. 

"Dog  me  if  I  know,"  he  sighed. 

"There's  just  one  thing,"  said 
Phineas.  '  *  We  got  to  form  a  stock 
company,  you  an'  me,  an'  put 

[17] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

our  earnings  together,  an'  then, 
every  so  often,  divide  up  even.  Then 
if  I  sell  more  pies  because  mine  are 
eight  cents,  you'll  git  your  half  of 
all  I  sell;  an'  if  you  sell  more  be- 
cause your  pies  are  bigger  an'  bet- 
ter, I'll  get  my  share  of  what  you 
sell.  An'  when  things  git  goin'  all 
right,  we'll  raise  up  the  price  all 
around — say,  my  pies  to  ten  cents 
an'  yours  to  twelve;  an'  bein'  in 
cahoots,  there  won't  be  nobody  to 
say  we  sha'n't  do  it,  an'  we'll  lay 
aside  that  extra  profit  to  build  up 
the  business." 

"Phineas,"  said  Eph,  solemnly, 
"it's  a  wonder  I  didn't  think  o' 
that  myself." 

[18  J 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

" Ain't  it,  now?"  asked  Phin- 
eas.  ' '  But  I've  give  this  thing  some 
thought,  an'  I  ain't  begun  to  tell 
you  where  it  ends.  I  wanted  to  see 
how  you  took  to  it  before  I  let  it 
all  out  on  you." 

Eph  leaned  forward  eagerly. 

"Go  on,"  he  said.  "Let  it  out 
on  me  now." 

'When  the  only  two  home- 
made pie -makers  git  together  like 
we'll  be, "  said  Phineas,  triumphant- 
ly, "I'd  like  to  know  who'll  stop 
us  from  liftin'  up  the  price.  Huh! 
Them  that  don't  like  to  pay  our 
prices,  they  can  eat  bakers'  pies 
an'  welcome." 

"I  know  some  folks  in  this 
[19] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

town,"  Eph  said,  "that  wouldn't 
eat  bakers'  pies  if  they  had  to  pay 
twenty-five  cents  apiece  for  home- 
made. ' '  He  paused  to  consider  this 
pregnant  statement,  and  then 
added:  "But  I  reckon  the  bakers 
would  git  away  a  heap  of  our  trade 
if  we  begun  liftin'  our  prices  much. 
Phineas's  eyes  snapped. 
They  would,  hey  ? '  he  said, 
laughing.  "Mebby  they  would  an' 
mebby  they  wouldn't.  What  do 
you  suppose  we'd  be  doin'  with 
that  surplus  we'd  accumulate? 
Come  strawberry  season,  we'd  up 
an'  buy  every  strawberry  that  come 
to  Gloning.  We'd  pay  more  than 
anybody  could  afford  to,  an'  add 

[20] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

the  difference  to  our  strawberry-pie 
price,  because  we'd  have  the  only 
strawberry  pies  in  town.  An'  what 
strawberries  we  couldn't  use  right 
off  we'd  can  for  winter  pies.  An'  as 
other  fruits  come  in,  we'd  buy 
them  up  the  same  way.  But  we 
wouldn't  be  mean.  We'd  open  a 
fruit -store  an'  sell  folks  fruit  at  a 
good  high  price  if  they'd  sign  an 
agreement  not  to  use  any  fer  pie. 
An'  in  a  little  while  the  bakers 
would  git  sick  an'  sell  out  their 
shops  to  us  fer  almost  nothin\ 
An'  then  we'd  go  into  the  bakin' 
business  big." 

'We'd    bake    cakes   an'   bread 
then,"  said  Eph,  eagerly. 
[21] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

"  Cakes  an'  bread  an'  doughnuts 
an'  buns  an'  everything,"  said 
Phineas,  with  enthusiasm.  '  *  We'll 
git  one  big  bake-shop  an'  save  on 
expenses,  an'  shove  up  the  price 
of  stuff  a  little,  an'  just  coin 
money." 

We'd  ought  to  git  at  it  quick, " 
said  Eph.  ' '  We  'd  oughtn  't  to  waste 
no  time.  What  do  you  reckon 
would  be  a  good  name  fer  the 
company  ?" 

"I've  fixed  that  all  up,"  said 
Phineas.  "We'll  call  it  the  Ameri- 
can Pie  Company,  Incorporated; 
an'  bein*  as  only  you  an*  me  will 
be  in  it,  we'll  each  have  to  be 
officers. " 

[22] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

"I'm  goin'  to  be  president," 
exclaimed  Eph,  with  all  the  eager- 
ness of  a  boy. 

"All  right,  Eph,"  said  Phineas. 

*  We  don't  want  to  have  no  more 

fights,    an'   I  want  to  do   what's 

right,  so  you  can  be  president.  I'll 

be  treasurer." 

Eph  thought  for  a  minute.  He 
knew  Phineas  well. 

"I  want  to  do  what's  right, 
too,"  he  said  at  last.  "You  can  be 
president.  I'll  be  treasurer." 

"I  guess mebby  we'd  better  take 
turns  bein'  treasurer,"  suggested 
Phineas. 

"All  right,"  said  Eph;  "I  want 
my  turn  first." 

[23] 


CHAPTER   FOUR 

When  the  two  men  had  settled  the 
treasurer  question,  they  smoked 
awhile  in  silence,  each  lost  in 
thought;  and  as  they  thought  their 
brows  clouded. 

"Say,  Eph,"  said  Phineas  at 
length,  "what  be  you  thinkin' 
that  makes  you  look  so  glum?' 

Eph  shook  his  head  sadly. 

"I  been  lookin'  ahead,  Phin," 

he  said — "'way  ahead.  An'  I  see 

a  snag.  I  don't  hold  it  ag'in'  you, 

Phin ;  but  the  thing  won't  pan  out. " 

What — what  you  run  up  ag'in', 

Eph? "  asked  Phineas,  solicitously. 
[24] 


so 


s 

&> 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

"Fruit,"  said  Eph,  dolefully. 
'  Loads  of  it.  Phin,  what  if  we  do 
gather  in  all  the  fruit  that  comes 
to  town  ?  Ain't  there  just  dead  loads 
an'  loads  o'  fruit  in  these  here 
United  States  ?  An'  the  minute  we 
git  to  puttin'  up  the  price,  it'll  git 
noised  about,  an'  Dagos  an'  Guin- 
nies'll  pile  in  here  with  fruit  an' 
cut  under  us. ' '  He  sighed.  *  *  'Twas 
a  good  business  while  it  lasted, 
Phin;  but  it  didn't  last  long." 

Phineas  lay  back  on  the  grass 
and  laughed  long  and  squeakily. 

"Is  that  all  the  farther  ahead 

you   looked,    Eph    Deacon?'     he 

asked  when  he  had  recovered  his 

breath.    "Any  old  fool  ought  to 

[25] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

know  that  the  second  year  we  was 
in  business  we'd  buy  up  all  the 
fruit  in  the  United  States.' ' 

Eph's  face  cleared  and  he  smiled 
again,  but  Phineas's  face  clouded. 
'What  worried  me,  Eph,"  he 
said,  "was  'bout  paym'  sich  high 
prices  for  fruit  as  them  blame 
farmers  would  likely  ask.  Ner  I 
won't  stand  it,  neither.  Will  you? '' 

"Not  by  a  blame  sight,  Phin," 
said  Eph.  "I  won't  let  nobody 
downtrod  me.  But, ' '  he  asked 
anxiously,  "how  you  goin'  to  stop 
it?" 

Phineas  dug  his  heel  in  the  soft 
turf. 

We  got  to  buy  out  the  farms, 
[26] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

he  announced  decisively,  "an'  hire 
the  farmers  to  run  'em. 

"Think  we  can  afford  it,  Phin  ? " 
asked  Eph.  '  We  don 't  want  to  go 
puttin'  our  money  into  nothin' 
losing? " 

We  got  to  afford  it, "  said  Phin. 
* '  We're  in  this  thing  so  deep  now 
we  can't  go  back.  An'  we'll  need 
part  o'  the  farms,  anyhow,  fer  our 
wheat." 

"Our  wheat?"  said  Eph,  puz- 
zled. * '  Be  we  goin'  to  sell  wheat, 
Phin?" 

"Sell  wheat?"  said  Phin,  with 

disgust     "No  such   fools.  Won't 

we  need  all  the  wheat  this  country 

can  grow  to  keep  our  big  flour- 

L27] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

mills  runnin'?  When  we  own  all 
the  flour- mills  in  the  country,  it 
stands  to  reason  we'll  have  to  own 
all  the  wheat,  don't  it?  " 

Eph  looked  at  his  companion 
with  open  mouth. 

' '  Mills  ! "  he  ejaculated.  ' '  What 
fer  do  we  want  to  own  all  the 
mills  ? ' ' 

Phineas  waved  his  hand  in  the 
air. 

"Tain't  'want  to,'  he  said 
decisively,  "it's  'have  to.'  I  didn't 
say  we'd  buy  all  the  mills,  because 
I  thought  you'd  surely  see  fer  your- 
self that  we'd  have  to  buy  them." 

"Now,  I  ain't  kickin',  Phin," 
said  Eph,  in  a  conciliating  tone; 

[28] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

"if  you  say  buy  the  mills,  we'll 
buy  'em.  I'm  ready  an'  willin'  any 
time  you  are.  All  I  ask  is,  Why? 
That's  all  I  ask— Why?" 

'Well,  sir,"  explained  Phineas, 
"if  our  bakery  here  puts  up  the 
price  of  bread,  the  outside  bakeries 
will  ship  in  bread,  if  we  don't  buy 
out  the  outside  bakeries.  An'  once 
we  start,  we've  got  to  buy  out  every 
bakery  in  the  country.  An'  when 
we  do  that  we've  got  to  own  all 
the  mills,  so  no  one  else  can  get 
any  flour  to  start  bakin'.  An'  to 
keep  anybody  else  from  startin' 
mills,  we've  got  to  own  all  the 
wheat -belt.  It's  only  right  to  be  on 
the  safe  side,  Eph."  Eph  crossed 

[29] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

his  knees  and  smoked  silently, 
nodding  his  head  slowly  the  while. 

"I  dassay  you're  right,  Phin," 
he  admitted  at  length;  "but  you 
ain't  far-seein'  enough.  S'pose  — 
just  s'pose,  fer  instance — it  come 
time  to  ship  a  lot  o'  flour  from  our 
mills  to  our  bakeries,  an'  them 
lumber  fellers  up  North  wouldn't 
furnish  timber  to  supply  our  barrel - 
factories. 

Phineas  laughed. 

"We'd  use  sacks,"  he  said 
shortly. 

"Well,"    said   Eph,   "s'pose — 

just    s'pose,    fer    instance  —  that 

'bout  the  time  we  needed  cotton  to 

run  our  cloth-mills  to  make  sacks 

[30] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

fer  our  flour — "  He  paused.  "We 
would  run  our  own  cloth -mills, 
wouldn't  we,  Phin?"  he  asked. 

"Surely,  surely, "  replied  Phineas. 

"All  right,"  continued  Eph. 
' '  S'pose  them  cotton-growers  down 
South  an'  them  timber-growers 
up  North  wouldn't  let  us  have 
no  cotton  or  no  timber.  What 
then?" 

Phineas  nodded  that  he  compre- 
hended the  wisdom  of  the  deduc- 
tion. 

"You're  right,  Eph,"  he  said. 
'  *  American  Pie  has  got  to  buy  out 
the  timber-belt  an'  the  cotton- 
belt.  I'm  glad  you  thought  of  it. 
It  shows  you  take  an  interest  in 
[31] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

the  business,  even  if  you  did 
interrup'  me  when  I  was  thinkin' 
on  a  mighty  important  point." 

"What's  that?"  asked  Eph. 
'  We  got  to  buy  out  the  rail- 
roads,"  said  Phineas.    "Once  we 
own    them,    we    can    get    proper 
freight  rates." 

"Ain't  you  afraid  mebby  some 
of  them  foreign  countries  '11  ship  in 
flour  or  fruit  or  crackers?"  asked 
Eph. 

'How  can  they  when  we  put 
the  tariff  up,  like  we  will?"  asked 
Phineas.  "Course,  while  we're 
buyin'  up  these  other  things,  we've 
got  to  buy  up  Congress." 

Phin  ! ' "  exclaimed  Eph,  sud- 

[32] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

denly,  "we'll  have  a  dickens  of  a 
tax-bill  to  pay." 

4 We'll  swear  off  our  taxes," 
said  Phineas,  shortly. 

Eph  relapsed  into  meditation. 

*  *  Why,  Phin, "  he  said  at  length, 
"we'll  be  as  good  as  bosses  of  these 
United  States,  won't  we  ? " 

"Surely  we  will,"  Phin  replied. 

Do  you  suppose  I  'm  doin'  all  this 
work  an'  takin'  all  this  worry  just 
fer  the  money  ?  What  do  I  care  fer 
a  few  millions  more  or  less,  Eph, 
when  I've  got  millions  an '  millions  ? 
What  I  want  is  power.  I  want  to 
have  this  here  nation  so  that  when 
I  say,  *  Come  ! '  it  will  come,  an' 
when  I  say,  '  Go ! '  it  will  go,  an ' 

[33] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

when    I    say,     '  Dance ! '    it    will 
dance. 

He  stood  up  and  inflated  his 
thin  breast,  and  tapped  it  with  his 
forefinger. 

"Eph, "  he  said,  "with  this 
here  American  Pie  Company  goin ', 
you  an'  me  can  go  an'  say  to  them 
big  trust  men,  'Eat  dirt,'  an' 
they'll  eat  it  an'  be  glad  to  git  off 
so  easy.  We  can — " 

He  paused  and  glanced  up  the 
road  uneasily.  He  shaded  his  eyes 
and  looked  closely  at  the  distant 
figure  of  a  stout  woman  who  was 
waddling  in  their  direction. 

Skip  ! "   he   exclaimed ;   ' '  here 
comes  your  wife  ! " 
[34] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

Eph  rolled  over  and  made  a  dash 
on  his  hands  and  knees  for  his  bas- 
ket of  pies.  Phineas  was  already 
walking  rapidly  up  the  road. 


[35] 


CHAPTER    FIVE 

The  stout  woman  was  not  Mrs. 
Deacon.  She  turned  off  the  street 
before  the  truant  pie-men  had  gone 
many  steps,  and  they  returned  to 
the  grass  beside  the  bridge.  For 
some  reason  they  were  not  so  jubi- 
lantly hopeful. 

"Dog  it!"  said  Eph,  as  they 
seated  themselves  in  the  shade,  * '  I 
wish  t'  goodness  I  hadn't  mashed 
that  pie  on  you,  Phin.  I  don't 
know  what  on  earth  I'm  goin'  to 
say  to  her  about  it.  She's  pesky 
stingy  with  her  pies  these  days. 

"Same  way  up  to  my  house," 

[36] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

said  Phineas;  "but  that'll  all  be 
different  when  we  get  the  Ameri- 
can Pie  Company  goin'.  I  guess 
we'll  likely  have  pie  every  day 
then,  hey?  An'  not  have  nobody's 
nails  in  our  hair,  neither. 

"Speakin'  of  nails,"  said  Eph, 
but  not  enthusiastically,  "think 
we'd  better  make  our  own  nails. 
We'll  need  a  lot  of  em,  to  crate  up 
pies  an'  bread  to  ship." 

"Yes,"  said  Phineas;  "an'  we'll 
just  take  over  the  steel  business 
while  we're  about.  We'll  have  a 
department  to  do  buildin';  there 
ain't  any  use  payin'  other  folks  a 
big  profit  to  build  our  mills,  an' 
we  might  as  well  do  buildin'  fer 

[37] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

other  folks.   An'  we'll  need  steel 
rails  fer  our  railroads." 

Eph  began  to  grow  enthusiastic 
again. 

We'd  ought  to  build  our  own 
injines,  too,"  he  suggested. 

"  An'  run  our  own  stores  to  sell 
our  bread  an'  pies  in  every  town, 
said  Phin. 

"An*  our  own  cannin'  factories 
to  can  our  fruit,"  said  Eph. 

"An*  our  own  can-factories  to 
make  the  cans,"  added  Phin. 

"  We'll  have  our  own  tin-  an' 
iron-mines,  of  course,"  said  Eph. 
"An*  our  own  printin' -shops  fer 
labels  an'  advertisin'  an'  show- 
bills." 

[38] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

"Better  buy  out  the  magazines 
an'  newspapers.  We  can  use  em," 
said  Phin. 

Yes, ' '  agreed  Eph,  ' '  an'  have 
our  own  paper-mills. 

Certainly, ' '  said  Phineas, 
"there's  good  money  in  all  them. 
We'll  make  more  than  them 
that's  runnin'  of  'em  now.  We'll 
economize  on  help." 

"That's  right,"  said  Eph.  "By 
consolidatin'  we  can  do  away  with 
one-third  of  the  help.  We'll  have  a 
whoppin'  big  pay-roll  as  it  is." 

"Well,"  said  Phineas,  "you've 
got  to  pay  fair  wages  where  you 
have  to  depend  on  your  help." 

"Fair  wages  is  all  right,"  said 
[39] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

Eph;  "but  nowadays  they  want 
the  whole  hog.  You  don't  hear  of 
nothin'  but  labor  unions  an'  strikes. 
If  you  an'  me  put  our  money  into 
a  big  thing  like  American  Pie,  we 
take  all  the  risk  and  then  the 
laborin'  men  want  all  the  profits. 
It  ain't  square." 

"No,  it  ain't,"  said  Phineas. 
"An'  if  you  don't  pay  them  more 
than  you  can  afford  they  strike 
right  at  your  busiest  time.  They 
could  put  us  out  of  business  in  one 
year.  First  the  farmers  would 
strike  at  harvest,  an'  all  our  fruit 
an'  wheat  would  go  to  rot.  Then 
the  flour-mill  hands  would  strike 
an'  the  wheat  get  wormy  an'  no 
[40] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

good.  Then  the  bakers  would  strike, 
an'  no  bread  in  the  country — we'd 
most  likely  be  lynched  by  the 
mobs. 

Eph  thought  deeply  for  a  while, 
and  the  more  he  thought  the  more 
doleful  he  became. 

"Phineas,"  he  said,  at  length, 
"I  don't  know  how  you  feel  about 
it,  but  I  think  this  American  Pie 
business  is  most  too  risky  to  put 
our  money  into." 

Phineas  had  also  been  thinking, 
and  his  face  offered  no  encourage- 
ment. 

"Eph, "  he  said,  "you're  right 
there.  If  our;  farmers  an*  millers 
an'   bakers   did   strike,    an'    folks 

[41] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

starved  to  death,  we'd  like  as  not 
be  impeached  an '  tried  for  treason 
or  something,  an'  put  in  jail  fer 
life,  if  our  necks  wasn't  broke  by  a 
rope.  I  like  money,  but  not  so 
much  as  to  have  that  happen." 

"Neither  do  I, "  said  Eph;  "an* 
I  been  thinkin'  of  another  thing. 
Could  we  get  our  old  women  to  go 
into  this  thing?  My  wife  ain't  so 
far-sighted  as  I  be;  an'  just  at  first, 
until  we  made  a  million  or  two, 
we'd  have  to  sort  o'  depend  on 
them  to  do  the  bakinV 

"Well,  now  that  you  put  it 
right  at  me,"  said  Phineas,  "I 
dunno  as  my  wife  would  take  right 
up    with    it,    either.    She    seems 

[42] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

bound  to  do  just  the  contrary  to 
what  I  want  her  to  do.  But  I 
dunno  as  I'd  care  to  put  money 
into  anything  while  these  here 
labor  unions  keep  actin'  up." 

"I  dunno  as  I  would,  either," 
said  Eph.  "I  guess  mebby  we'd 
better  let  this  thing  lay  over  till 
the  labor  unions  sort  of  play  out. 
What  say?" 

"I  reckon  you're  right,"  agreed 
Phineas.  * '  I  guess  we'd  better  mo- 
sey along  with  these  here  pies,  too. 

The  two  men  arose  from  their 
shady  seats,  and  Phineas  swung 
his  baskets  upon  his  arms,  but 
Eph  seemed  to  be  considering  a 
delicate  question. 
[43] 


THE  GREAT  AMERICAN  PIE  COMPANY 

"That  their  pie  I  mashed,"  he 
said  at  length — "I  dunno  what 
to  say  to  my  wife  about  it.  She'll 
like  to  take  my  scalp  off  when  she 
finds  out  I'm  ten  cents  shy." 

Dog  me,  if  I  ain't  glad  it  wasn't 
my  pie,"  said  Phin,  heartily. 

Eph  coughed. 

"You  don't  reckon  as  mebby 
you  could  give  me  the  loan  of  a 
dime  till  to-morrow,  could  you, 
Phin? "  he  asked. 

Phineas  grinned. 

"Well,  now,  Eph,"  he  said, 
"I'd  give  it  you  in  a  minute  if  so 
be  I  had  it;  but  I  swan  t'  gracious, 
I  ain't  got  a  cent  to  my  name." 


THE  END. 


COVER  BOOK  SYSTEM 


